You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
OH. COME. ON.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.