Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
You Might Also Like
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Aight bet
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates