Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
sin harder.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas