Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there