Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You Might Also Like
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”