Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
And now we wait
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My love language is deader than Latin
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle