Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”