respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.