I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Current mood: Potato