A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Genius idea!!
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide