Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Worth the read.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When you’re Kinky but poor
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.