I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.