Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Oh yeah that’s it
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.