why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
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I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do