Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
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I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.