“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My first son he is wonderful
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.