If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
🔦🌙👣
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.