If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
True?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited