Every time.
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…