You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My flabber has been gasted.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..