Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?