I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Seas the day!!!!
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.