these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
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2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
You know…for fall…
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.