If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Important
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.