Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
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the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
You wish you had this many chins.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?