If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.