Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u