yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You Might Also Like
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car