Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.