Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Challenge accepted.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
“That’s what” – She
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?