I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Bootstraps
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”