Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
A drum solo but on your face.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?