Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna