7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
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My daily affirmation
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Pigeon open mic night.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans