Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.