Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
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If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.