Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
No Google it does not
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.