Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did