You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it