Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf