Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”