My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Chicago sounds lovely.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Thank you corporation very cool
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.