[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET