I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You Might Also Like
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.