Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Whisper out to librarians!
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Yup.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags