I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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this is how life feels
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
This was the best day of my life
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Looking at you, Jesus.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here