Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
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Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
classic mixup
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?