I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Previously On Persistence 😎
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.