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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.