My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
#Caturday
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode